Hello again and welcome back.
It’s now nearly three months since I began my new life as a single person back home in the flat and in this blog post I thought I’d take a look at how things seem to be going - from my perspective anyway.
Practically I’m certainly getting on ok. The flat is clean and mostly tidy, the freezer is full of pre-prepared meals, so much so that only this week I picked up a second-hand table top freezer so I can increase my menu choices and have plenty of room to pick up some bargains.
There were times in our relationship when I thought to myself that I’m doing everything in this bloody house - and I can guarantee that Trev on occasion would have felt the same. However, when there really is just you doing it all it’s noticeable how chores do eat in to your free time. Most of my working days are long but I do have pockets of time in which I can pop home for an hour or so and it’s these periods that I try and get stuff done, be it a quick hoover, emptying the washing machine or cooking a batch of something. It’s my idea to try and keep weekends free to get on with stuff I enjoy and that’s been working quite well.
If there’s one thing that hasn’t been going so well is sleep. Whilst I’m getting off to sleep ok I’m also invariably waking early and can’t get back, feeling tired all day as a result. I’m reluctant to take anything, conscious that I have to get up early to drive and want to be alert for that. There has been the odd night that’s been better so I’m hoping that’s a sign things are starting to improve but whilst - as I mentioned above - I’m getting on with household chores - and my job - the tiredness is definitely having an impact elsewhere. I have a number of videos to edit for my caravanning YouTube channel but currently find it hard to concentrate on them. Having said that, last nights sleep wasn’t too bad so it’s my plan, after finishing this and a coffee to get stuck in.
Recently too I’ve also taken the big step of clearing out Trev’s clothes. I’d been ready for a while but a cancelled sports run meant a free Friday morning so I decided it was time to get on with it. I chose Martlets Hospice who have a big shop just a few miles along the road and they were happy to take all his stuff assuring me none of it will be wasted. His numerous pairs of spectacles went in the Lions collection point in our local GP’s surgery and will be re-used probably abroad. It was always my wish that as little as possible of his stuff would be wasted.
In fact in terms of getting rid of stuff there is just his push bike left and I’m hoping to deal with that this week. It’s nothing special and years old - what we used to call a mountain bike I guess, but it still goes and probably only needs a couple of tyres to get it up to scratch.
The tidying of Trev’s financial affairs are about complete. A letter advising the death in service benefit arranged by the college arrived on Friday and I can now go ahead and close his bank account. And that, I think will be it. Done and dusted. Weird.
Whether these recent events have had any bearing on how I feel I can’t say for sure, but I’m aware of changes in the last couple of weeks. The waves of grief that I’ve often mentioned have been rather benign of late, unless they’ve been encouraged. You see I’ve found myself a couple of times a week or so drawn to do things that I know will bring the tears - reading the transcript of the celebrants oratory at the funeral, ditto the two lovely addresses at the memorial and of course listening to the music. Twenty minutes to half an hour give or take when the emotion is as raw and intense as the day Trev died. And then I’m ok - exhausted but ok. In addition there have been days when I haven’t done this but felt generally low - getting on with the job but not really wanting human interaction.
There’s been a definite shift in my emotions and I mentioned this to someone privately who steered my in the direction of a book that I now have on order. It’s called ‘On Grief & Grieving’ by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. Both are well regarded in their field and having read reviews and a sample chapter I think it might go some way to helping my understand my feelings and how and why they are changing.
I am too, contemplating for the first time thinking of seeking some help - someone professional I can talk to. I know many of you have said you will listen - and thank you for that - but it wouldn’t feel right or fair unloading my innermost thoughts on to people I know. I’ll see how it goes after I’ve read this book.
Right, enough. I’m going to call an end to the Single Life series now. It’s main purpose was to talk about how things have changed now I’m on my own and I don’t think there’ll be anything much new to tell, it’s now just a case of getting on with it.
There’s one thing for sure though and something that’s been brought home to me in the last couple of weeks is that it’s going to be a long old journey. Where it’s exactly going I don’t know and where or if it will end I don’t know. It’s not a journey I wanted to take and it’s not one I relish but - using motorway terminology - the only turn off is one that I have never contemplated. Life must go on after all.
Cheers
Rich
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